Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
