Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
only if we run a train.
done.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
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