I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
