I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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