I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
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He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
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Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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