R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
