Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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