it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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