Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
