he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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