She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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