If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
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