Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
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He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
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Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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