you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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