I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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