I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
