Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Randomize
