if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
