Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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