His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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