In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
