I CAN MOONWALK!
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
