new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
