i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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