I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
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I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
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I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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