I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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