So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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