hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
