Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
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Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
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PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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