i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
