I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
