The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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