when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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