If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
