i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
