Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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