just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
