apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Randomize
