I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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