It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
