we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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