I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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