Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i jhust puked up my retainher.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
