You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
