the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize