sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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