I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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