Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
