Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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