You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
