6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
