just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
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all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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