is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
