Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
