Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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