i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
