What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
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