if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
