If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Randomize
