The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
