I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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