I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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