just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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