I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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