Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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