i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
no, he came in my armpit
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
