and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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