I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
