if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
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